There’s an old coaching “joke” that goes, “The ideal school to coach at is an orphanage.” The nature of a coaches’ relationship with parents is complex, contingent, collaborative and often times contentious. One of the most, if not the most important ingredient in program success is the positive support of the athlete’s parents. Coaches who isolate themselves from parents risk creating resentment or distrust whereas, those who get too close, risk being burned when circumstances change.
In the most recent episode of Michael Lewis’ excellent podcast Against the Rules, the Moneyball author takes a close look at his high school baseball coach, Billy Fitzgerald, and why he came under fire from parents despite the incredible impact he had on countless young men. When he heard about the pressure to remove his coach, Lewis penned an essay that was published in The New York Times Magazine.
Listening to the podcast I found myself thinking a lot about how Coach Fitz resembled coaches that I had in my youth. It made me think about a number of issues but in particular, I thought about how essential and important maintaining a positive relationship with parents is for coaches today.
On that note, I thought I would share a few thoughts about maintaining positive relationships with parents.
Provide parents with the opportunity to have a positive role in the program: As a young coach I was taught that there are four fundamentals of a successful program: Motivation, Planning, Progression of Teaching and Coaching Coaches. For motivation I was told that you have to have a plan for how you will motivate your team, motivate your parents to have a positive role in the program and motivate the student body. I am thankful that the line that stood out to me was to give parents an opportunity to have a positive role in the program and when I have done that, I have found it to be beneficial for everyone.
I heard at a football clinic several years ago that parents have the right to be involved in their child’s athletic experience and I have adopted that philosophy into my own practice. During my coaching career we did many things to involve parents in the program from team meals to Mom’s Nights, Dad’s Breakfasts, etc. The more we made them a part of their child’s experience, the better the dynamic was between parents and coaches.
Assume positive intent: I used to be fond of quoting Hanlon’s Razor which states, “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” Unfortunately, I have found that some people take offense to the use of the word stupidity. Either way, when dealing with a conflict, if I assume the other party is operating from a place of good intention, I am more empathetic and responsive, especially with difficult conversations. Every parent loves their child and wants the best for them and we as education-based coaches are partners in this process. We may disagree with each other but trying to give other the benefit of the doubt goes a long way in keeping such dialogs healthy and productive.
Maintain perspective: I have used the mantra, “I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others,” for the past several years. The phrase reminds me that I should not concern myself with what is out of my control. If you weren’t aware, what other people think of you is out of your control. A fellow coach once told me, “If you listen to fans when things are going well, they’ll want you to listen to them when things are going bad.” I’ve remembered that and have tried to remain independent of other’s opinions of me.
Early in my career as a coach, I worked for an Athletic Director who warned me against putting a wall between myself and parents. We had a successful coach in the building who had been burned by parents and his reaction was to mistrust parents and try to insulate himself as much as possible from them. While we need to be cautious in our interactions with parents, we should approach the relationship as a partners not adversaries.
One of my favorite pieces of advice for dealing with criticism, is that we should ask ourselves if we had done the absolute best that we could at that moment. If we wish we could do it over again, noting how we would act differently in the future is a valuable exercise. If we know we did the best we could, smile and think to yourself, “Sorry you feel that way, have a nice day.”
As Abraham Lincoln said, “I do the very best I can, I mean to keep going. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me won’t matter. If I’m wrong, ten angels swearing I was right won’t make a difference.”
Establish and reinforce healthy boundaries: What many people interpret as entitlement, I have found often is the result of poorly established boundaries. Defining how we do things such as communication, complaint process, providing feedback are essential both to preventing conflicts as well as burnout in coaches. These boundaries should be laid out early and with BRIGHT LINES so that parents (and coaches) understand that texting the head coach at 10:30 pm or approaching her after a game to talk about playing time are inappropriate. As the saying goes, an ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure.
Final thoughts: Reflecting on my own relationships with the parents of my athletes, I truly miss the dynamic that existed when I was a head wrestling coach. The amount of time that we spent together traveling, waiting, comforting and celebrating with our athletes created a comradery that was missing when I became a head football coach. As a football coach, there wasn’t the regular interaction with parents at tournaments, etc. There was also the dynamic that football is a more subjective sport with starters, role players, etc. While we had great parents, it wasn’t quite the same experience.
In the end, establishing and maintaining healthy productive relationships is important most for the student-athlete. The more we can get parents and coaches sharing the same message with their student-athletes, the better we are able to leverage their athletic experience from both a competitive and transformational experience.